A New Lease of Light..

Ehem..Well let's draw the focus away from the err well miserable post and lets think about the future haha. I had a great weekend future-wise. Let me share the things that unfolded.

On Saturday my mum, President of the Persatuan Sindrom Down Malaysia( would link you to the website but currently it's still a work in progress ), invited me and a bunch of my friends to break fast with them at the centre. The thing that got me excited was that it was the First event that bought my darling(kisses to her) and my family together. Haha ya i know it doesn't really sound like a good material but if it matters to me then it is good material, in fact it is a GREAT material huahuahua..err as i was saying....yea..I actually just wanted to see how my darling reacted to the whole situation, just want to see a reaction, maybe a bit of awkwardness here and there haha but it all went 'boringly' haha she was just normal and no, there was no awkward silence. The thing that made me happy was that, at that very moment, i can actually visualize her as part of the family and the person that i worried the most, well worried about she accepting my darling, she meaning my mum, did one thing that made me smile all the way when i heard about it. My mum actually announced that my darling was my girlfriend to people. That to me showed her acceptance ( i think..haha) and that really made my day. When we got home I found out another thing..My darling was actually nervous during the event haha she was just as great of an actor as me hahah silly darling..muahhhh

On Sunday, I had attended a talk hosted by UNITAR's SIFE(Students in Free Enterprise) and given by Nicholas Yeap. I was actually curious about the board game Zeros to Heros and that was actually my main purpose in going to the event but as soon as it all started i began to immerse myself with the talk. It was really an eye opener and the talk brought out the confidence in me to pursue my goal and objective in life which is to open up a lodging business with my friends. Beforehand, I had the destination, now i can see the road to get there, all i need now is the car or bus or train whatever mode of transportation that can get me to my destination. Rishi was there also and i can't help to be excited for him to because he was so excited after the talk. Buzzing all the way haha In a way I think he is starting to believe that our lodging business idea thing is achievable and there is nothing that we can't do. I believe the quotes below applies..

"You are only as small as you think"

"If you think you can, you can..If you think you can't, you're right"

Haha well that sums up my happy and fruitful weekend, will write more in the future haha

P.s- Im really ok already. No need to worry just needed to release that's all TGIB ( Thank God its Blogspot) haha

Much Asked..

I'm suppose to be in uni right now but I've decided not to go. It'll be as though I'm not there if i went anyway. I'll accept any consequences that is to come from my decision for right now, at this very instance, I'm not at the best frame of mind. My mind wandered all day and all night, aimlessly not knowing the purpose of such expedition. One thing is clear though, as write this entry..I can feel that my heart had sunk to the most darkest of depths. Last night i had a dream. A dream so sad that when i woke up tears flowed endlessly. Writing seems hard for every word though not clear, has my sadness embedded into each and every one of them. As if writing my final words on this earth, that is how i feel.

I've often in the past likened myself to a clown. Entertaining is my calling but clowns do feel lonely. I feel lonely. I may put on a straight face and be indifferent to words, all kind of words from pleasing to killing, but to tell the truth I did react. Every stab, every wound opened, every one of them reaches my heart without any shield to deflect or protect it and yet I smile. For our bond, i kept on smiling.

"Do you feel my pain??"

It's been twenty two years and this year is my darkest. Filled with sadness, hate and self-repulse. If it was not for efforts from those i care about, i would surely be lifeless and lay there breathless choked by expectations and pressure. A man of extremes, that's who i am. It brings me great happiness that i have friends such as all of you but it also brings me the greatest of sorrow when what i say is not heard. Talk to the wall, an act i've been accustommed to. Oh how i wish that the wall can respond for i am truly lonely. Call me selfish, I don't care and I sometimes seemed needy but that is how I am. All I want is to be heard, that is all i want, that is all i need because i I really feel as though I am alone in this big and sometimes cruel world

"Do you really care how I feel??"

As I sit here pouring my feelings out, my mind wandered again. Am I the cause, am I the factor that made our group of friends to slowly diminish. Am i Scrooge, am I the Grinch. Rayme, Satya, Ann all had connection with me one way or another. Was I the one who broke the chain? Was I the one who influenced the way of thinking? Was I the bad guy? Somehow I do feel the answers to all the questions is yes and if so, I'm truly bad in nature.

"I'm sad, I'm really in deep melancholy"

I'm sorry for all that i've done..
Sorry for asking too much...

Sincerely Yours
Mr. Selfish

Nearing the end of the 'vacation'..Finally

Its been awhile since I've written any kind of post what so ever(yea i know its a common theme when it comes to me..haha) but the time and mood was not there for me to conjure up any kind of material. Tonight i felt like it, felt like sharing, expressing and simply paint my feelings on a blank page. If my feelings were to be a painting, the canvas would be filled with colours of brown, grey, dashes of red and speckles of yellow.

Brown, colour of Autumn and home of my melancholy. For the last nine long months, i was never my old self, my old bubbly self. I was confined in a cage of responsibility and conflict. Respect and Naivety got me there in the first place. Led me straight into the trap that cost me my student livelihood. Now that time had passed, I look back at those unending days. Yes i did suffer to the point of breaking to pieces but in the end i thank god for giving me these challenges in life for it has given me the workout before my marathon of life.

Grey is Uncertainty. Neither white nor black, grey represents my uncertainty in whether I can be the person i used to be.

"After a long vacation your old self will be coming back"

When i heard you said this my mind wondered whether he really is coming back or did he plan on abandoning the idea of returning from the get-go. Somehow I can sense that he wont be coming back that soon. Guess he's having a great time there wherever he is but i hope one day he would come back because my darling misses him and i would give anything just to make her happy.

Red is Love. Love has eluded me for more than half of my life but i finally caught up to her in the end. Even if dark clouds were all about i knew ever present was the silver lining and that silver lining is u my darling, my beautiful darling. You made my days seemed worth living and you're always there whenever i needed you. I'm yours forever darling and i promise to Love you till the end of time.

"I LOVE YOU DARLING"

Yellow is Joy and Happiness. My journey in life is clearer than ever before. Never did i imagine to be given the gift of sight. Visions of my future are etched in the back of my mind. From now on that is the finish line that i will run to. Yellow also represents warmth, just like the sun hugging the earth that's how i felt. My darling and friends were by my side all the way through my bad times and good. Always there to lend a hand and say..

"We are here for you"

Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Tears of immense Joy.
You are My Friend..
My Family..
My Love