Much Asked..

I'm suppose to be in uni right now but I've decided not to go. It'll be as though I'm not there if i went anyway. I'll accept any consequences that is to come from my decision for right now, at this very instance, I'm not at the best frame of mind. My mind wandered all day and all night, aimlessly not knowing the purpose of such expedition. One thing is clear though, as write this entry..I can feel that my heart had sunk to the most darkest of depths. Last night i had a dream. A dream so sad that when i woke up tears flowed endlessly. Writing seems hard for every word though not clear, has my sadness embedded into each and every one of them. As if writing my final words on this earth, that is how i feel.

I've often in the past likened myself to a clown. Entertaining is my calling but clowns do feel lonely. I feel lonely. I may put on a straight face and be indifferent to words, all kind of words from pleasing to killing, but to tell the truth I did react. Every stab, every wound opened, every one of them reaches my heart without any shield to deflect or protect it and yet I smile. For our bond, i kept on smiling.

"Do you feel my pain??"

It's been twenty two years and this year is my darkest. Filled with sadness, hate and self-repulse. If it was not for efforts from those i care about, i would surely be lifeless and lay there breathless choked by expectations and pressure. A man of extremes, that's who i am. It brings me great happiness that i have friends such as all of you but it also brings me the greatest of sorrow when what i say is not heard. Talk to the wall, an act i've been accustommed to. Oh how i wish that the wall can respond for i am truly lonely. Call me selfish, I don't care and I sometimes seemed needy but that is how I am. All I want is to be heard, that is all i want, that is all i need because i I really feel as though I am alone in this big and sometimes cruel world

"Do you really care how I feel??"

As I sit here pouring my feelings out, my mind wandered again. Am I the cause, am I the factor that made our group of friends to slowly diminish. Am i Scrooge, am I the Grinch. Rayme, Satya, Ann all had connection with me one way or another. Was I the one who broke the chain? Was I the one who influenced the way of thinking? Was I the bad guy? Somehow I do feel the answers to all the questions is yes and if so, I'm truly bad in nature.

"I'm sad, I'm really in deep melancholy"

I'm sorry for all that i've done..
Sorry for asking too much...

Sincerely Yours
Mr. Selfish